The 30 Best Athlete Professions at Ironman Canada 2010

Posted by Rebecca in Athletes on Sep 15th, 2010 | 9 comments

All of the Ironman Canada athletes received a little magazine that included a list of every athlete who was racing. If the athlete specified his or her profession when s/he signed up, it was also included in the list. I perused pages of athlete names and found a number of professions that stood out as amusing or unique in some way. Below are my 30 favorite athlete professions from Ironman Canada 2010:

1. Bev Smith  — Geriatric Whisperer

I bet only her soothing voice and promise of Werther’s Originals and reruns of Murder, She Wrote can calm the elderly.

2. Sean Darragh — Corpse Whisperer

He must get Bev Smith’s hand-me-downs.

3. Laurel Van Zanten — Specializes in Crazy

That’s actually what she wrote. I’m not sure if that means she’s crazy or she’s simply an expert. If it’s the latter, she probably works as the in-house therapist for VH1 reality show girls.

4. Louise Valois — Orca

Huh, I never noticed a killer whale racing…

5. Michele Kendall-Williams — Female Cage Fighter

Dayum!

6. Treena O’Connor — Wonder Woman

She better not have used her invisible plane. I’m pretty sure that’s against triathlon regulations.

7. Janna Gillick — Goat Rancher

Goat Rich or Die Tryin’.

8. Valerie Boller — Goat Herder

She should get together with Janna Gillick and start a lucrative goat business.

9. George Bichsel — Yak Herder

Yak herders make goat herders look like chumps.

10. Frank Zaprawa — Flamingo Herder

Okay, seriously, this is getting ridiculous. There’s really a need for flamingo herding? Worst herder ever.

11. Michael Kelly — Butterfly Herder

I stand corrected.

12. Jan Jagodzinski — Hobby Dancer

Hold me closer, hobby dancer…count the buoys as you swim awayyyyy…

13. Timoty Leddy — Coonsultant

I like to think that this isn’t a typo, and instead Mr. Leddy actually provides consulting for raccoons. “I recommend rustling through the Jones’ garbage tomorrow night.”

14. Reg Rempel — Spirits Specialist

This could mean bartender, alcoholic, or an expert of the supernatural. Perhaps all three?

15. David Mills — Rocket Scientist

He’s no brain surgeon.

16. Steve Attwood (my teammate!) — Pirate

He eats all the orange slices at aid stations to offset scurvy.

17. Daryn Klinginsmith — Humble Pie Eater

If he won a humble pie eating contest, would he get even get a trophy? I’m guessing they just give out slight nods of approval.

18. Murray Harris — Pain Enabler

He’s Canada’s Jack Bauer. “Damnit, Chloe!…soo-rry I raised my voice, eh?”

19. Steve Hobson — Cartwheel Man

I’m disappointed he didn’t cartwheel the entire 26.2 miles of the run. Clearly it’s just a job and not a career.

20. Scott Greene — Hip-Hop Mogul

I didn’t know Sir Mix-a-Lot races under the name “Scott Greene.”

21. Michael De Luca — Hydrogeologist

I’m not sure what that is, but I bet he’s the dude the government doesn’t listen to in disaster movies.

22. Michael Deitchman — Fudge Taste Tester

If this isn’t some sort of gross euphemism, this man has the best job ever.

23. Shawn Burke — Fat Metabolizer

Dude, it’s an Ironman. We’re all fat metabolizers that day.

24. Ray Miller — Ninja

I bet nobody saw him finish.

25. Gilles Chatelin — Drop Bear Tamer

I’m guessing he has to tame it not to drop things.

26. David Huntley — Monkey Trainer

Could you imagine little monkey wetsuit strippers? Holy crap, nobody would want to leave T1.

27. Scott Gammonm — Mountain Man

He better have an epic beard; otherwise, I’m revoking his Mountain Man status.

28. David Eliuk — Fried Food Inventor

Whaaaat? You liar-face.

29. Mark Naphin — Ironchef

I was hoping he was an actual Iron Chef and not just an Ironman who’s also a chef. Could you imagine Morimoto doing an Ironman? It’d be intense.

30. Colin Ferguson — Knowledge Dropper

Running alongside him must be a real treat. “Odontophobia is the fear of teeth! Elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump! Are you stopping at the next aid station?”