Let the Taper Tantrum Begin!

Sweet fancy Moses, I’ve made it to my pre-Ironman taper. It’s that glorious week where you only have a crap-ton of workouts on your schedule instead of the usual ass-ton. Unfortunately, it’s also that time leading up to the race where you go through your “taper tantrum,” a whirlwind of emotions and paranoia where you overanalyze every little mundane thing and make it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

Below are things that have gone through my head this week during my taper tantrum:

1. I feel feverish–I MUST BE GETTING SICK
2. My throat is kind of scratchy–I KNOW I’M GETTING SICK
3. I’m feeling a little tired and rundown–I HAVE MONO, IT’S THE ONLY EXPLANATION
4. My left Achilles has been nagging me–THE TENDINITIS IS BACK AGAIN, NOOOOOO
5. I feel fat–I’M NOT GONNA FIT IN MY WETSUIT OR BE ABLE TO HAUL MY LARD-ASS UP YELLOW LAKE
6. I haven’t been swimming enough lately–I’M GONNA DROWN ON RACE DAY
7. There have been a couple triathlon swim deaths in the news–I’M DEFINITELY GONNA DROWN ON RACE DAY
8. My bike’s shifting has been a bit wonky lately–MY BIKE’S GONNA BREAK IN HALF ON RICHTER
9. I was tired during my last long run–I’M GONNA HAVE TO WALK THE ENTIRE MARATHON
10. Dr. Perry mentioned I was a bit dehydrated–OH SHIT, I’M TOTALLY SCREWED
11. My wetsuit ripped a bit before the Friday Night Swim–I’M GONNA HULK HOGAN THE DAMN THING WHEN I TRY TO PUT IT ON BEFORE THE RACE
12. I had a bad swim at the Friday Night Swim Race–THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO FISH ME OUT OF THE WATER DURING THE SWIM PORTION AND TN MULTISPORTS WILL DISOWN ME
13. Teresa wants me to have a good race–OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO LET HER DOWN, SHE’LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED
14. Feet felt a bit crampy after the drive up–I HAVEN’T BEEN STRETCHING ENOUGH, MY MUSCLES ARE SO TIGHT THIS IS NO GOOD
15. The race day weather report keeps changing–OH SHIT I’M GOING TO BE UNDER/OVERDRESSED AND WILL FREEZE/ROAST I DON’T EVEN KNOWWWW

Thankfully, this article popped up at the right moment, telling me to get the fuck over it and reminding me that I’ve done plenty of training and I’m ready as I’ll ever be for Sunday’s shenanigans. With less than 24 hours until the Big Effin’ Race, it’s all about serenity now, serenity now (hoo-chie ma-ma and insanity later, of course).