My Unhealthy Ken Dolls

I mentioned in my Rev 3 recap that in the days leading up to the race, my left hamstring got really tight and that the hammy and groin muscle gave me grief during the cycling portion of the race. It’s been intermittently sore since then, so I finally hunkered down and saw the physical therapist because I’m starting to get tired of being a couch potato. I can only stay in and play videogames on a sunny day so many times before I start feeling like a fat turd, so a couple weeks ago I trekked over to Fremont to see the doc.

He instantly diagnosed me not with hamstring issues but hip flexor tightness, which is apparently affecting the hamstring as a result (the official medical explanation basically consisting of the “knee bone’s connected to the hip bone” song; medical school is overrated). Doc gave me some unfortunate stretches to do that involve splayed legs and some hip shimmies and look like I’m simulating going into labor on my living room floor, as well as a “touchdown celebration” stretch that feels weird if I’m not holding a football.

Two weeks later I returned for a follow up. My hip has felt fine for the most part but started acting up in the last couple days, and it’s been intermittently tight on runs. He checked me out and said, with a somewhat amused tone in his voice, that I have virtually no “inner lateral movement in my hips,” meaning I can rotate out fine but suck donkey balls at rotating in. He then explained that there’s a ligament from my hip down to my groin that follows the crease of where your leg meets your crotchal region (official medical term) and that mine is tight/strained. I don’t know what you actually call this area, but I refer to them as “Ken dolls” after the fact that Barbie’s boyfriend doesn’t actually have genitals, just a U-shaped indentation. Apparently the strain can occur from cycling in aero or sitting forward/hunching down too much (something I do all too often when working at my computer). Interestingly enough, this ailment plagues dentists a lot because of their constant sitting and hunching over patients’ gaping mouths (the more you knowwwwww).

Here’s what healthy Ken dolls look like:

I hate you, Bridget

Mine, meanwhile, are feeble and sad. My family has a history of jacked-up hip issues; most recently, my 37-year old brother had to have a bunch of shit cleaned out of his hips because of some congenital problem where bone is grinding on bone, and the guy will probably have to have a hip replacement surgery within the next 10 or so years. Here’s hoping my woes are simply due to tightness/strain and not something more serious.

I see the PT again next week; in the meantime, he’s added another gross stretch to the mix that involves cabinet lining, hand pressure, and awkward rotation. I’m starting to get antsy about being healthy again since I’ve mentally mapped out most of this fall and 2012’s race season, and I’m determined to bounce back and shine as brightly as a mediocre athlete can once again.