Operation Kill Rebecca’s Legs Was a Resounding Success

Last week Teresa must have weighed all her objectives and settled on one that was especially important to her: Operation Kill Rebecca’s Legs. And so she embarked on a week-long plan to destroy my little Asian stumps and succeeded quite handily. The week’s workouts weren’t too bad…who am I kidding, the entire week sucked.

Let’s revisit the schedule of pain:

Monday: dryland. I was already feeling kind of tired and Bridget sensed fatigue and pounced, making me do lunges, squats, burpees, and a bunch of other dumb crap because she’s sadistic and mean.

Swim: Pacing/conditioning workout. Teresa tried to drown me by incorporating sculling into my workout and very nearly succeeded because I am terrible at sculling and think it shouldn’t be a thing that exists.

Tuesday: track. Oh goody, a run test. I ran as hard as I could for 30 minutes, sucking in air like a Biggest Loser contestant on week one. On the plus side, I PR’d for a 5k and posted a good pace for the half hour test. On the minus side, the workout was hard and hurty and I got a wicked side stitch that hurt through the next day.

Wednesday: dryland. Admittedly this wasn’t on my schedule but I had already signed up so I went anyway. Teresa showed some mercy on me and gave me minimal leg workouts so she could lull me into a false sense of security before destroying my lower limbs with the rest of the week’s workouts.

Cycling class: Who gives a bike test the first day of cycling class? The TN coaches, that’s who. I emerged from this one exhausted, legs burning, and with new bike heart rate zones.

Thursday: Sweet fancy Moses, a day off. I celebrated by gorging on fish and chips, a fish taco, and cupcakes from Cupcake Royale. That’s how you take advantage of a rest day.

Friday: cycling. A 1:30 workout in various zones. Not too bad, but after that I had to run to…

Swim: A tempo trainer swim clinic. I only ended up swimming around 800 yards and it wasn’t too taxing. I learned a lot about using the little tempo trainer device and posted my four fastest 100s ever, including a personal best of 1:33. Whaaaaaaat?! I never swim that fast. (And yes, I know that time isn’t fast for 90% of the triathlon population but it is for me. Maybe this “devote more time to swimming” strategy is starting to pay off…)

After class I went out with a couple friends and had a few drinks that wouldn’t have affected Fat Rebecca but ended up giving Less Fat Rebecca a bit of a hangover. I didn’t get to bed until 2 am, which set me up for a grueling Saturday workout.

Saturday: 1:35 run with tempo efforts. I was supposed to go to the group run but seeing as how that started at 8:30 and I was operating on no sleep and too many sickly sweet cocktails, I didn’t start hauling ass until about noon. The run wasn’t too bad but since it was colder than usual, I was atypically sore afterwards.

I stuck my tight calves in some compression socks and headed off to a dinner party thrown by a fellow teammate. I debated sneaking off and taking a nap because I was exhausted but figured I wouldn’t get a return invite if Amanda caught me snoozing in her bed and drooling on her pillow, so I fought the good fight against consciousness and (barely) won.

Sunday (aka D-Day): The triple whammy of workouts coming off a day where I was already getting pretty sore.

Cycling: 1:35 cycling class where I had to do :10 all-out effort bursts every three minutes for an hour straight.

Running: Teresa gave me a 30 minute brick run after the crappy cycling workout in 34 degree temperatures because she loves to see me suffer.

Swimming: An hour-long swim class where I didn’t really swim so much as avoided drowning. By this point my legs were so dead that when I tried to do a “swim with the pull buoy at your feet” drill my legs kept cramping and I had to do a spazzy crawl/kick combo back to the wall so I could whimper and hate life. Then we ended the workout with stupid team relays, because what better way to finish off a grueling week than to sprint in the pool so you won’t let down your group?

After workout #3 I was totally drained (there’s a reason why triathlons begin with the swim rather than end with it) and felt drunk from lack of calories and general exhaustion. When Jason got home from his long run, he found me half-passed out on the couch looking as if I were on my deathbed. (I tried to get him to carry me around like I was Uncle Jack from Arrested Development [see post thumbnail] but he wasn’t on board. Cries of “Swoop me, Jason!” went ignored.) My legs felt physically exhausted for the rest of the day and I had zero energy on Monday (which, thankfully, was a rest day).

It’s barely November–if this is what my workouts will be like for the next nine months, I’ll either croak midway through the season or I’ll have one hell of a race PR. Or both. (It’ll probably be both.) Is this how elites train all the time? If so, I’m way out of my league. When do they have time to eat cupcakes and play video games? Elite triathletes are getting a raw deal if you ask me.