A Conversation Between Me and My Body During a Run

On Sunday I dragged my sedentary ass outside and shuffled around Capitol Hill for four measly miles. The following is a transcript of the conversation I had with my body. Enjoy.

Me: Hey body, get up.
Body: What? Why? What for?
Me: We’re going for a run.
Body: Ehhhhhh, I don’t wanna. I want to sit on the couch and watch House Hunters while eating Reese’s pieces.
Me: Come on, we haven’t gone on a run in weeks, and we haven’t had consistent workouts since October.
Body: Meh.
Me: You’re looking a little flabby lately…
Body: Isn’t big supposed to be beautiful?
Me: Yeah, but abs are more beautiful.
Body: I wanna sit here and watch tee-vee-eee!
Me: Don’t you remember how great you felt when you were 10 lbs lighter and when your resting heart rate was 48?
Body: …yeah…
Me: And remember how dedicated you said we’d be in 2009 and how we were going to improve all of our race times?
Body: …maybe.
Me: Well, we can’t improve our race times or achieve our goals if you keep sitting on your fat ass eating candy and watching Top Chef. Now get up and put your shoes on!
Body: UGH. FINE.

We head out the door and begin our run.

Me: See, isn’t this great? It’s not too cold out, it’s not raining, it’s getting a bit dark but hey, that’s okay.
Body: I hate this. Are we done yet?
Me: No, we just started.
Body: Hey, we’re running past the Kingfish! You wanna get some fried chicken?
Me: NO. Keep going.
Body: But everything’s all hurty and I don’t like it!
Me: It’ll get better, I promise.
Body: Ok…so how long have we been running?
Me: I dunno, I don’t want to check. Keep running for a little while and then I’ll reward you by checking the time.
Body: Ok…how about now?
Me: No.
Body: Fine…now?
Me: No!
Body: Come onnnnnnn, just look.
Me: It’s been six minutes.
Body: God damnit.

We approach a hill.

Me: Come on, we can do it.
Body: This sucks! My chest hurts and my shoulder hurts and I can barely breathe and my side hurts and my abs feel tight and I hate this.
Me: Don’t you remember when you used to do hill repeats on this hill? Suck it up and run!
Body: Grumble grumble…

We get to the top of the hill and keep running. Soon we see another runner up ahead.

Me: Pass that runner.
Body: What? Why?
Me: Come on, we’re faster than her. Pick up the pace and pass her! Also, stop crossing your arms. And stand up straight. Stop leaning forward. Don’t run on your toes.
Body: Jesus, anything else, your majesty?
Me: Shut up and pass her.

We pass the runner and reach the turn around point. There’s another long, gradual hill up ahead.

Body: I hate you.
Me: This is good for you! We live in a hilly neighborhood, and it’s great for training.
Body: Arghhhh…
Me: Keep running on 15th, I need to pick up a prescription before the pharmacy closes.
Body: Fine. Whatever.

We get to the pharmacy and quickly duck in.

Body: Jesus Christ, it’s freakin’ HOT in here! Ugh, look at me. My face is beet red. I look like Louie Anderson after he’s just tied his shoes.
Me: We’ll be back outside in a second. Head over to that counter.

We walk over to the counter and pay for the prescription. The pharmacist gives us an odd look.

Pharmacist: So, uh, decided to go for a run?
Me/Body (trying to act casual): Oh yeah, no big deal, just felt like getting a quick run in.

We leave the pharmacy.

Me: Okay, I’m starting the watch back up. Keep running.
Body: Ok…hey, this isn’t feeling so bad.
Me: Yeah?
Body: Yeah, I’m not hurting as much as I did when we started. I could keep going for another hour!
Me: Well, we’re home.
Body: Ohthankgod. That was miserable.