I thought I’d introduce a new weekly feature on Mediocre Athlete, partly because there are so many examples of mediocrity in the world that I’d be remiss not to share them with you, and partly to motivate me to get off my lazy off-season ass and update the blog regularly. So without further ado, I present to you the first Mediocre Athlete of the Week, the New York Giants.

The New York Times recently wrote an article about the growing sport of triathlon and how older people are getting into it. At the end of the article there’s a blurb about a triathlete from Stamford named Eric Goodman:

All of the Ironman Canada athletes received a little magazine that included a list of every athlete who was racing. If the athlete specified his or her profession when s/he signed up, it was also included in the list. I perused pages of athlete names and found a number of professions that stood out as amusing or unique in some way. Below are my 30 favorite athlete professions from Ironman Canada 2010:

I was thinking that I’m kind of bad-ass for Die Hard-ing it through a half Ironman with bloody feet, but I immediately humbled up when I heard about how the top pros finished in Boise. First of all, Chris Lieto busted out a 2:04 bike. That is sick. He averaged 27 mph for 56 miles. I can’t even average that high a speed for a sprint race. With a bike time that killer, you’d think he’d easily win, right? Well, it certainly looked that way. Lieto was ahead of Craig Alexander by nearly a minute and a half with one mile to go on the run. Normally that’d be it — that’s too big a deficit to make up in such a short distance (unless the person you’re trying to catch is doing like a 10 minute mile or something). Lieto ran a 1:19 half marathon, averaging 6:03 minute miles. That is FAST…but Craig Alexander, by the grace of God, ran his final mile in like a 4:46 and beat Lieto by two heartbreaking seconds (check out the photo finish over at Ironman Boise’s website–it’s gut wrenching). First of all, I can’t believe that after swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56 miles and running 12.1 miles, Craig Alexander was still able to bust out a sub-5 minute mile to squeak out the win. His total run time was 1:13:44, averaging a 5:38 pace. Good grief. Secondly, can you imagine how Lieto must have felt? Two weeks ago he lost to Craig Alexander and took 2nd at the Kona 70.3, and he gets win-blocked again by the same dude. I bet Lieto has made a little Craig Alexander voodoo doll and is stabbing the holy hell out of it. Major props to both athletes. I can’t imagine biking or running that fast. They’re so...

Yesterday, instead of doing my swim workout I sat on the couch and watched episodes of Deadwood while eating jellybeans. What was my excuse, my explanation for skipping the pool? Well, other than wanting to see if Swearengen was going to pass his kidney stones (he did), I had none. Feeling shameful, today I focused on my track workout and had my best run in weeks. Why not make up an excuse and tell myself, “You’re just resting up from the weekend’s workouts,” “You deserve a break,” or “You don’t need to swim”? Because as long as Team Hoyt is racing, I have no excuse, and neither should you. If you’re not aware of who Team Hoyt is (you should if you do any races), they’re a father/son team who will race their 1,000th race this year. That in itself is pretty remarkable (I’ve probably done about a dozen, so I’d have to average almost 40 more races a year to hit 1,000 by the time I’m 50), but what makes Team Hoyt even more awe-inspiring is the fact that the son, Rick Hoyt, has cerebral palsy and can barely move. He communicates via a computer and has a nice job, but he’s not exactly in the best condition to lace up his shoes and go for a run. So how does he race? Well, it’s “easy,” really: Dick Hoyt, the father, tows his son in a boat when he swims, rides with him in a bike, and pushes him in a wheelchair while running. It’s hard enough for millions of people to drag themselves out of bed and head to the gym for 30 minutes of half-ass elliptical machine cardio while flipping through a magazine, let alone have the mental drive and determination to train for a race, whether it be a 5K, a marathon, or an Ironman. Team Hoyt goes one step further — Dick Hoyt has worked twice as hard as virtually anyone you know. He’s swam 2.4 miles while towing his son. He’s hauled about 350 total lbs up steep hills on a bike. He’s run the Boston Marathon over 26 times, and his finish time pushing another human being in a wheelchair is still way better than what most of you will ever hope to run in your lifetime. Can you imagine what Dick Hoyt’s race time would be if he were a team of one? The man is nearly 70 years old, and he’s FAST. He and his son are faster than I am and probably will ever be. I can only imagine what his full potential is when he’s not towing or pushing his son. But Dick is so unselfish and so committed to racing as a team that we’ll probably never know what his marathon time would be if he ran by himself, or what the Ironman clock would read as he crossed the finish line solo. And I bet he wouldn’t have it any other way. Team Hoyt’s unselfishness and commitment to themselves as athletes and to others with disabilities should light that fire under your ass. You have no excuse. If you’re overweight and bemoan the fact that everyone else seems to lose lbs except you, you have no excuse. If you’ve been planning on running your first 5K but have been putting it off, you have no excuse. If you’re striving to hit a PR for your next 70.3 race but are watching TV and eating jellybeans instead of swimming, you have no excuse. Know why? Because Team Hoyt has plenty of built-in excuses, and they don’t let that drag them down. They overcome their disadvantages, sign up...